My archenemy, Todd.

Image result for Team petty

I’ve established that I am both petty and well, super petty. You could even add in extremely petty, and I would nod in agreement. I’ve lived by a simple rule most of my life…

I actually hate you when I first meet you.

It isn’t your fault, it’s just a default mode that I have adapted for my life. It helps weed out people, and keep them from getting too close. It’s my litmus test for people, because let’s face it, there are a lot of terribly stupid dumbass people out there.

There is really only one of two ways to get past the first round of hate.

  1. Say something that is not stupid. Show me you got some intelligence.
  2. Make me laugh.

Most people fail the test, like they are so dumb that I hate them more. Or they try to be funny and it’s like, okay well now I hate you more than the one who doesn’t say anything intelligent. Thing is, none of them know they are being tested. It’s not like I hold up a timer and say, HEY YOU’RE ON THE CLOCK, DUMBSHIT.

That leads me to the reason of this post.

Whether you want to admit it or not, you probably have an archenemy.

And if you’re lucky enough, you may very well meet him or her. Or, you’re probably it.

I have met mine.

His name, is Todd. I don’t like Todd. Haven’t since our first encounter, and every encounter subsequently after that.

It all started right after I started being a stay at home dad. 2016. It didn’t take long for me to figure out that the parking situation at my kids school, is like if a tornado hit a parking lot repeatedly, every school day for the duration of time.

It’s a straight up mess.

It’s my least favorite thing on the planet, pickup. Dropoff, not so bad. I don’t mind dropoff. But pickup, I hate it. Of all the stay at home dad functions (laundry, cleaning, cooking meals, changing diapers) after school pickup is my least favorite.

Punctuality is my thing. I don’t like being late. I don’t like waiting. So, I get to the parking lot of the school an hour before school gets out. I park, if the weather is nice, we go for a walk, if it’s too hot, well we sit there and wait.

I live in Phoenix, so typically the weather is too hot to get out and walk this time of year. In 2016, I had one child at home, Nora. We would very much go for walks, and sit in the car when it was too hot. The parking lot starts to fill up quickly. If you’re late, you’re either walking a fair distance in this ridiculous heat, or stuck outside the parking lot waiting for others to leave. I don’t like that. I hate waiting, unless I’m early. Not if I’m late.

So, my very first encounter with Todd occurred three years ago. As I sat in the car on a hot day, he pulled into a very full parking lot. There wasn’t much space in front of me, but enough for a car to pull in.

Like most people at my kids school, he sucks at parallel parking. It is hilarious to watch people try to park, hit the curb, back up, hit the curb again. Repeat. I can always spot the person that is going to hit the curb. They always look like its the first time they are parallel parking.

Only on this moment, Todd, did a super dick move. After he hit the curb twice, he pulled forward, and then reversed to my window, and gestured “can you move back.”

I looked at him like, the fuck you say.

He sat there, and kept staring. I went back to reading my book, but the guy was blocking the only way out of the parking lot. So, I obliged. I moved back. No courtesy wave. No nothing. He moved in, and hit the curb again, and that was it.

I was unaware that at the time, his child was in our daughters class. When we went to the kindergarten line to pick them up, he was there. He gave me this smug shit eating grin and a thumbs up.

Strike two, three, four, forty-seven, through ninety-one.

I know, it’s petty. There was just no redeeming qualities that I saw in him.

Only, it didn’t stop there. He got to the school at the busiest time, and come to find out, he did the “can you move up” gesture to quite a few people. It was his thing. Like some sort of parking magician trying to make a space appear out of nowhere.

That’s fine. That’s not  the only reason why I hate Todd.

You see, as I’ve proclaimed, I love Marvel. I have over 80 Captain America shirts. I know, it’s a bad habit I’ve accumulated.

I admit that I have a problem.

I wear them quite often. Matter of fact, it was about that time where I went months without wearing the same shirt for more than 5 months in a row.

Image result for captain america shirts dark grey

So, as it stands. I have this dark grey Cap shirt. I’d never seen Todd in a superhero shirt. This was weeks after our first encounter. So I had a chance to study this smug little turd. Then one day, after I wore my dark grey Cap shirt, Todd wears one.

The. Exact. One.

He had this shit eating grin as he stood next to me. I mean the term goes “imitation is the sincerest form of flattery” but no. Superheroes are my thing. Wear a shirt with traffic cones or a dunce cap for all I care.

To make matters worse, it wasn’t the last time. On at least 6 other occasions, he did the same thing. Wearing shirts that were identical to mine.

And the shitty part is, these aren’t shirts you can find in a store.

Strike 133, 164, 201.

I know, it’s petty. It’s stupid. Maybe I can get past all of that. But it’s just something about his little smug face that makes me want to punch him, and there’s nothing he can do about it. It’s his face.

I mean, my grudge list is long, but when you have over 471 infractions, there’s no coming back from that.

His little parking thing continued. Always arriving late. Trying to get people to move up. I started sitting in the back of the car. He’d pull up next to me, and I’m in the rear laughing through the tinted window.  One time he asked me to move back, and I refused. I crawled to the backseat of the car, like some sort of baller ass power move. Oh and when he did park in front of me, it was always really close. Like close enough for me to see into the backseat of his car, which meant I always had to back up to exit.

Oh and for those who are wondering. This is the original asshole who asked “are you Desmond’s dad” and that’s kind of become a thing at my kids school. THIS IS AFTER HE’S SEEN ME PICK UP THE GIRLS.

The tip of the iceberg came one day when this jagaloon arrived late. Parked in the only exit lane, Blocking my car so I couldn’t get out.

To make matters even worse. Not only did he tell me to “chill bro” (strike 472-971) but he also held up his finger like “one second, chill bro.”

That was the last straw.

I went off on him about a lot of things. How he is smug and expects everyone to bend to his little wishes. (He’s 5’5″ on a half decent day with lifts in his little Nike’s). And how parking where he did is a dick move. I yelled at him. I was angry. Mostly because I hate the parking lot and also because I truly hate him.

For kicks, I told him to stop copying my style. We will never be friends. We are now enemies. Sworn enemies.

I see him from time to time now, he still parks in front of me like some sort of deranged asshole. He smiles. Waves. I look at him like “bitch you have some nerve” and continue on.

In the times since our mini confrontation, I have yet to see him in a superhero shirt.

Image result for arnim zola

Good, cause in my eyes you’re as evil as Crossbones or as ugly as Arnim Zola, minus his brain.

I recently saw him (5/14) and he just kind of nods, like hey we can be friends.

No we can not Todd. No we can’t.

And that’s the story of my stupid archenemy, Todd.

 

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